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  • Writer's pictureOli Law

F9 ★

Justin Lin

Starring Vin Diesel, Michelle Rodriguez, Tyrese Gibson, Nathalie Emmanuel, John Cena

Ladies and gentlemen, this has gone far enough!

After 20 years, The Fast and Furious franchise is confirmed KIA with the latest entry: F9.

I beg of you, stop watching this garbage so they stop making it.

Dominic Toretto (Vin Diesel) is dragged away from his peaceful life raising his son back into the world of fast cars and spy missions, to go toe to toe with his long lost brother - a literal demon from his past. It’s generic, it’s recycled and it’s downright boring from the get go.

John Cena - as Jacob Toretto - does as best as he can with the material he’s given, but the role relies purely on the actors stature and charisma to deliver anything compelling.

You are constantly questioning the fine details that even the most basic of films would pick up, but what did I expect after walking into a Fast and Furious film. Minimum quality? Surely not.

But we should discuss the main focus of this franchise: the Cars, racing and stunts. What once was an exciting aspect to movies in general is cranked up past eleven to a mind-numbingly unbelievable level. The stunts are so unrealistic you feel no tension whatsoever. It might have even benefitted from being entirely animated.

Tyrese Gibson’s character literally takes an entire scene to discuss the absurdity of their previous adventures and ability to survive the most ridiculous of scenarios. It’s honestly the most sincere moment in the entire franchise.

One of the only tasteful aspects of the film was the use of the old Universal logo to introduce a flashback opening scene…and it was all downhill from there (not in a driving sense).

These flashback scenes would have been better as their own fleshed out movie - and further add to the constant disappointment you feel slugging through its excessive runtime.

But above all else, the closing scene is so unforgivable and shameless that it truly made me feel sour - just to shoehorn in a reference to an actor sadly no longer with us.

This is by far the worst entry in the series and my local theatre refused to compensate for the hours of my life and brain cells I lost attempting to survive this sober.

When a Cardi B cameo is not the worst part of a movie, you know something has gone horribly wrong.

F9 available in cinemas now

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