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  • Writer's pictureOli Law

Pinocchio ★

Robert Zemeckis

Starring Tom Hanks, Benjamin Evan Ainsworth, Cynthia Erivo, Joseph Gordon-Levitt

The death of cinema is upon us. Still content on wringing the life from every drop of nostalgia Disney was ever able to produce, Robert Zemeckis is lynched into action with this heartless rendition of Pinocchio - as wooden an experience as the boy himself.

We're now up to our 20th retelling of the story about a puppet that comes to life and wants to be a real boy. This soulless sham delivers nothing more in regards to a plot and sits firmly at the bottom of the pile.

Tom Hanks receives top billing, soiling his name as Pinocchio's maker/father Geppetto with a subtle twist on his Colonel Tom Parker accent from the Elvis biopic, which ironically perfectly captures the true aim and greed of modern Disney. The fact this was released purely on Disney+ and not given to starving cinema chains that could ultimately fold, shows where their heart really I won't be pulling any punches.

Pinocchio is proof that the age of live action reboot needs to end here and now. There is not one single redeeming quality that warrants the need to watch this toxic waste of time. Without any attempt to capture something fresh, the families of the original cast and crew of the 1940s classic should seek legal action and compensation for this steal-and-suffocate approach to filmmaking.

But I shouldn't be so harsh on the writers originality, as the ending is altered to completely remove a pivotal coming-of-age moment in the story, stripping the character of any resolution to his development and making his transition completely untrustworthy.

The visual effects artists were probably whipped as much as the CGI donkeys they created to get this done on time (speculative of course) and as a result, this shows in the final product.

That's exactly what this is: a product. No love, no care and no sign of the Disney of old we are being tricked into wanting over and over again. With no rumours of a Fast and Furious Christmas special, I can safely sat that this is the worst film I will see all year and unless forced, my last attempt at a Disney live-action copy and paste.

Wake up people! We are the real puppets.

Pinocchio available now on Disney+

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